Brace yourselves and prepare for impact. Hide your marijuana, discard your beer, and shun your fleshly pursuits for finals are upon us, looming ghastly in the distance! There in choppy waters they stand, canons ready and crew fresh. Though you, at year’s end, stand sick and weary with collegiate exertion, prepare immediately for battle or be smote by roaring volley of papers, exams, projects, and presentations. To the library with you, young men and women of academia. Seek now your final assistance while tired professors still dribble on thirsty tongues and sleepy minds the sweet milk of knowledge.
Give not into temptation, follow not loud music or roaring crowds, for procrastination, no matter its quality, leads to only more agony. Prepare your faded spirits, for this season drives our best into madness. Should you find yourself losing grip on reality, take comfort in your lunacy and let it fuel your efforts instead of hindering progress. Dance and sing and scream while you study. Everyone will understand.
And relax. They’re just finals. Lesser men have faced the same foe and, while emerging bruised and cut, have still survived to tell the tale of that one all-nighter, those mad times fueled by caffeine and a last sweet trickle of will power. We have a rough spot of road to travel, but fear not for finals will soon be a tiny dot forgotten in summer’s rear-view mirror.
Happy finals, everyone.